Have my priorities in order.
[I’m driving with Arthur when we reach his house and I do that thing where you pick up speed and pretend you’re going to crash into your friend’s parked car.]
Me: What would you have done if I had hit your car? Would you have made me pay you money?
Me: I wouldn’t have.
Me: This friendship would be over. I would just stop answering your calls.
2:06 am • 7 March 2014 • 18 notes
Get goofed and convince yourself that “Yeah, I probably could have worked for Pixar, let me see how hard it is!”
8:45 pm • 6 March 2014 • 54 notes
I’m never more real with myself than when I’m yelling at a hypothetical murderer to please not kill me. I live in front of a spooky, probably haunted forest and last night when I got home, as I was opening the front gate to drive in, I heard a twig snap and leaves rustling and was 99% sure it was the end for me, and because I guess I think murderers can be reasoned with, I tried to convince the killer to spare me by yelling at them while backing into my car.
Really good reasons like:
“Don’t kill me! I’m so poor! I have no money to offer you! I have NOTHING!”
“My whole family is also poor! No one will bother looking for me!”
“I don’t even have good skin! You couldn’t use it for anything!”
“Please! I’m responsible for two cats!”
And then I walked into my house and crawled inside the oven.
2:47 pm • 4 March 2014 • 26 notes
Last night in class there was a new girl. I introduced myself to her and we walked out of class together talking and eventually we got to the point where I had to go one way and she had to go the other so we split up and went in opposite directions. After a few steps, though, I realized that I was going the wrong way and my car was actually the way she was headed, but I had already come too far to turn around, so I hid behind a tree for a while waiting for her to get far enough away so that I wouldn’t look like a creep and scare her if for any reason she turned around and saw me following her even though I told her my car was the other way. And as I was waited behind that tree, peering behind the trunk at her making her way down the sidewalk, she casually toying with her key chains, me sweating and gripping mine, I realized that I am actually the craziest person in the world but also kind of the sweetest? Mainly the craziest.
3:22 pm • 26 February 2014 • 49 notes
I can tell my mom’s crazy is seeping into me because tonight I accidentally drove over a full bag of pretzels in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot and started to open my door to inspect my tire (I heard a pop) but decided to speed off instead because I was genuinely concerned it might be a Hostel style gang trick and a swarm of armed children might be lurking behind the dumpster.
10:20 pm • 25 February 2014 • 28 notes
The most hilarious thing about whoever just tried to steal my identity in New Jersey is that they got declined for a $1 charge at Hess. Like, yo, reach out to my people (my mom) and we will start a Kickstarter to get you a 7/11 gift card stat. It is 2014. Get your affairs in order. Treat yourself. Stop getting your gas at Hess, you sweet, wily baby.
1:35 am • 25 February 2014 • 17 notes
I just read the first page of Absolom! Absolom!, laughed really hard at the idea that my American Lit. professor thought she could trick me into reading that noise, then pulled out Ashley Judd’s memoir from my bookshelf. Page 1 is a picture of her crying with the caption “Listening.” This is REAL art.
1:47 am • 24 February 2014 • 9 notes
My communication research methods professor sent me an email asking if I have any study tips I can parlay to my classmates because I am one of her best students.
Give yourself frequent Clip Art breaks and study listening to Supermodel (You Better Work) on an infinite loop.
10:39 pm • 19 February 2014 • 9 notes